Why can’t we all just get along? Thoughts on the Effects of Underlying Relative Value Statements in Arguments

The latest argument pitting “Democrats” against “Republicans” is about children being separated from their parents. I put Democrat and Republican in quotes because almost no one who argues about stuff like this is an actual member of either of these parties. And I really dislike the idea that all of a person’s ideas can be summed up by a political party’s ideology, especially when we can see how easy it is for a political party’s agenda to be manipulated and changed based on the whims of the leader.

I bring this up because I spend a lot of time thinking about the arguments that people have, and why they have them. And my current hypothesis is that the vast majority of political arguments can be boiled down to what I will call a ​”relative position statement on a particular value​”​. ​Sometimes the values that people are arguing about might be characterized as being on opposite sides of a spectrum, for example, being for or against capital punishment. However, in a vast majority of cases, I think we are actually having arguments on two different “value spectra”, and can therefore never approach understanding or compromise.

In the case of the issue of children being separated from their parents at the point of arrival in the US, we can characterize one side of the argument as the value statement: “people get what they deserve if they do illegal things”. The other side is the value statement: “children should not be separated from their parents”. There is no way for either side to win an argument based on these parameters because the person who is going on about the consequences of illegal behaviour is not, at that moment, as worried about the children being separated, since they wouldn’t be separated if the parents were not breaking the law, and people get what they deserve if they do illegal things. On the other hand, the person who is going on about children being separated from their parents is not, at that moment, worried about illegal behaviour, because they don’t regard asylum-seeking as illegal. One argument is based on “rule of law” and the other is based on “basic humanity”, but they are pivoting around the question of whether or not a particular action is legal or illegal. When the actual argument plays out, however, that point rarely takes center stage. Rather, one side will eventually shout “criminals like you get what you deserve” and the other will shout “you have no humanity” and all sense of reason and resolution will be lost.

However, in another context, the same person who advocated for “rule of law” might take a completely different value stance on another argument. For example, in the case where a woman gets an abortion in a state where abortions are legal, that person (the arguer, not the woman getting the abortion) might get into an argument based on the value statement: “All life is sacred” and not care about the fact that the woman was following the law. And the “children not being separated” person might take a stance in favour of the woman having an abortion based on the value statement: “Women should be allowed to make decisions about their own bodies”, and in that case, not sympathize with the plight of the child in question.

​I remember one of my conservative friends pulling up another friend on her stance on guns (“Guns need to be regulated to prevent unnecessary deaths”) because it didn’t match her stance on abortion (which he might think of as “I think it is okay to kill babies”, when she thinks of it more like, “women should be allowed to make decisions about their own bodies”). In his mind, “People should be allowed to protect themselves” and “All life is sacred” demonstrated a more consistent set of values​. In his mind, my friend’s stance that “death is bad and we need to do things to prevent it” should also extend to unborn children.

Him: I need a gun so I can protect myself from death, and abortion also causes death, why shouldn’t abortion also be prevented?
>> Values based on freedom of choice (for protecting self), and avoiding death (of others)

Her: If you get to choose whether or not to have a gun, why can’t I choose what to do with my own body?
>> Values based on freedom of choice (for deciding for oneself) and avoiding death (of self or friends)

In other words, they both actually agree that freedom of choice and preventing death are both important, but they use their relative value statements to support one view and go against another, all the while thinking that the other person, who has just used their exact same value statements in the opposite way, is immoral, unjust, or just plain insane.

When we get into arguments, and especially when we get into arguments on social media, I think it would help if we could do an analysis of the value statements at play in the conversation. I think it would make arguing less frustrating. We can all agree, for example, that “there should be consequences to breaking agreed upon rules”, and that “children should not be forcibly separated from their parents”, and that these value statements are not contradictory. We can then, hopefully, have more civil arguments about whether laws are being broken, and if so, what consequences would be reasonable, without delving into circular arguments that can be boiled down to two “relative (and unresolvable) position statements on a particular value”.

I don’t know how we get there, though. I feel like there should be “referees” to arguments who step in and evaluate the conversation for value statements and get people to at least agree on the premises of their statement. We can all agree that laws are necessary for society to work wall, and that separating children from their parents is bad. Good. Now assuming that both parties in this conversation are not heathens who want to wantonly break rules and put children into cages, where can the conversation go from there?

This is what I think about on Sunday afternoons…

(And kudos if you read this far!) :)

Excessive Vocalization in an Elderly Cat

My cat, Koi, is 19 years old. She is a grey/brown tabby with white markings. She was almost perfectly silent for most of her life, but she has recently starting yowling like a banshee and it is driving me insane. I decided to write this post to document what I am trying to do to help restore my sanity, and by doing so, perhaps help others in the same predicament.

I should mention that, while I did just have my first restful night in months, I have not yet succeeded in stopping the yowling. This is nothing if not a very frustrating experience for all concerned…

First of all, let me describe the particular level of hell that I am currently living in. Koi sleeps on my bed, so we go upstairs together to sleep at night and she settles down. (Sometimes the air conditioning gets too cold for her, so she moves to another room.) Within a few hours (e.g. 1am), she wakes up, jumps off the bed, and starts yowling. She paces around my room, going from her water dish (an extra one that is there to encourage her to drink water due to renal issues) to the window (where she has access to an outdoor litter box on the balcony) to my bedroom door. She might then leave the room and go wandering through the whole house yowling. Once she starts, she rarely stops. If I wake up and pet her, it will get her to stop for a few moments, but she soon resumes the shouting. The only thing that will get her to stop is if I wake up, pick her up, and restrain her until she calms down. Sometimes she will acquiesce fairly quickly, and other times she will struggle to break free, resisting my attempts to calm her down and getting herself more worked up in the meantime.

She will do this approximately three or four times every night (e.g. 1am, 2:30am, 4:30am, 6:00am). It is crazy-making.

I have come to think of this as two separate issues, each with their possibilities for improvement. The first is yowling, and the second is waking up throughout the night.

Looking back, I think I can pinpoint the start of the yowling. When Koi first started yowling it was because she had a bladder infection. When she tried to urinate or defecate, she would pace between her cat litter boxes (I have three of them placed strategically around my house) and just SCREAM. Since she had been an almost entirely silent cat to that point, it was really jarring, and I would run to check on her every time. I think now that that was the seed of the connection in her head between yowling and my presence. I am not sure how I could have done it differently, because she was in actual pain, so it was natural for me to run to her aid, but I think this planted the idea in her head that if she yells, I will come. Trying to break that association has been almost impossible because, as an elderly cat, she is not able to learn new things as well as she could when she was younger.

The yowling has been happening for a few years now, while the waking up has been for a few months. They are clearly different issues, although it has taken me a while to realize this.

Deal With Any Medical Issues
As an elderly cat, Koi suffers from renal failure. She also has a polyp in her bladder that we are monitoring. She is almost completely deaf to everything except for the loudest, most proximate sounds. Her eyesight seems to be fine, but she is almost definitely suffering from dementia as evidenced by her seeming ability to forget who I am unless I touch her. She has slightly elevated blood pressure. She has joint pain due to arthritis.

I am convinced that her primary issues are deafness and dementia. Her eyesight, in terms of visual acuity, seems to be fine, but sometimes even when she is looking right at me, I think she can’t process that she is looking at me (i.e. the processing of the image is where things break down). If I touch her, she suddenly seems to remember. (This makes training difficult, because touching her is a reward, so I don’t want to do it when she is yowling, but if I don’t, she will not calm down.)

Any one of these medical issues, or a host of others that tend to occur in elderly cats, could be the reason why your cat starts “behaving badly”. You owe it to your little feline friend to get all of these kinds of issues properly checked out to make sure that none of them are actually causing her physical pain that needs to be remedied first. Having ruled out obvious causes of excessive vocalization, such as hyperthyroidism, I am currently testing out some medication for high blood pressure in combination to what I describe below. (Note: I thought the medicine was for high blood pressure, but actually it was for renal failure.)

I put “behaving badly” in quotes in the above paragraph because it is really important to remember that your cat is not making a conscious choice to drive you bonkers. She is trying to tell you something. You stubbornly refuse to learn her language, so she has to do what she can to try to communicate with you. ALL BEHAVIOUR IS COMMUNICATION. (As an aside, I think this is a fundamental principle of life that people need to remember, regardless of whether we are talking about pets or humans.)

Understanding Cat Psychology

I bet your cat has done some or all of these things.

  • knock things off shelves
  • meow in the morning
  • walk on your computer
  • lie on your hands
  • look up at you and meow
  • scratch your furniture
  • bat your nose in bed
  • chase and/or bite your ankles
  • swish her tail

All of these have a particular meaning in the mind of your cat — “feed me”, “pet me”, “play with me”, “scritches behind the ears, please”, “let me out”. Your job is NOT TO GET ANNOYED when any of these happen, but to get inside the mind of your cat and try to figure out what she is trying to say to you.

Remember: cats vocalize to HUMANS, not to other cats. When your cat is meowing, she is specifically trying to get YOUR attention. You should interpret all of the meows as being directed to YOU.

Also: Meowing is attention-seeking behaviour. Your cat wants SOMETHING and she is trying to tell you, in as clear a way as she is capable, what it is. Your job is to figure out what it is, and decide whether or not to give it to her (remember that you have a choice). In a cat that is not elderly, you can fairly safely bet that any forms of behaviour/communication mean that your cat wants food, attention, or to go outside. Figure out which one it is, and whether you want to give it to her (or if you want to delay giving it to her), and you have won half the battle. (This assumes that you have determined that there are no medical issues that are causing your cat pain.)

In order to get your cat to do what you want her to do, you will have to start thinking like a cat. If you apply your understanding of human behaviour to cats, you will certainly fail. You must look at the world from your cat’s perspective in order to persuade her to change.

It is important to note that each cat develops her own way of communicating based on your responses. So, I cannot say that “this behaviour” means “this” in all cats. It will depend on how your cat has, or has not, trained you. For example, if Koi pushes something off a shelf, it usually means “I want to go outside”. If I am consistent in letting her go outside after she does that, I will teach her that “slide, crash, precious heirloom in smithereens” means “let me out”, and she will continue to use it to get me to do her bidding. I should note, however, that soon after I noticed this behaviour (read: method of communication), I stopped putting movable things on shelves (“we can’t have nice things!!!”), thus preventing her from using that particular “phrase” to get what she wants. She adapted by using a different phrase (“stand at window looking plaintive”), and we got along marvelously thereafter.

So, unfortunately, in Koi’s case, she now thinks that “YOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLL” means “Shaney, come here and make everything better again”. My job is to somehow break that connection.

As a young cat, Koi used to do various things to try to wake me up. She has never been one to obsess about food, but she always wanted to go outside as soon as the sun was up. In a country where it starts getting light at 3 in the morning, this makes for an overall unpleasant experience. When she was younger and did this, I would wake up and very dispassionately (without making eye contact or petting her) put her in my bathroom. She then realized that yelling at me had a very negative and unappealing result and stopped doing it. She learned this lesson quite quickly.

Throughout her life, she sometimes developed unwanted behaviours, but I was always able to train her to stop doing them by using techniques like that, or by figuring out what she was trying to tell me and fulfilling her (legitimate) need.

The biggest issue now is trying not to reinforce the connection between yowling and my appearance. I am trying to go to her (i.e. reward her) only when she has calmed down. The problem is that she sometimes gets into a total spin-cycle where she is pacing and yowling and pacing and yowling and is not able to self-soothe. When that happens, I feel like I have no choice but to pick her up and calm her down — thus, frustratingly, cementing the connection between yowling and me.

Trying to Break the Connection

Here are things that I have tried so far, and the results.

I have tried to ignore Koi when she starts yowling. This does not work. She will continue yowling and pacing for a very, very long time. By way of possible explanation: if “yowl” means “pay attention to me” and I respond to that by ignoring her, she will not be satisfied that she has transmitted her message successfully. In her brain, that means, “say it louder”. This method cannot work because it doesn’t result in successful communication.

I have tried to touch her to remind her that I am here and that she is fine. This works temporarily, for a few seconds to a few minutes. She will inevitably resume her caterwauling a short time later. I am not sure if she forgets that I am there, or if she was just not satisfied with the encounter. I didn’t do the thing that she was asking me to do (“make me feel better”), so she needs to continue until I do it properly.

You know how Cesar Milan (the Dog Whisperer) is always brought in to deal with badly behaving dogs and he almost always works exclusively with the owners instead of the dog? I think that paradigm can work here too. It is not Koi’s behaviour that is the problem, but my response to it. And my responses are dictated by my feelings, such as “oh, she’s so old and frail, and she has so many issues, and she has been my faithful companion for so many years, and oh, I love her so much, and she can’t help it because she’s old, etc.” It is my failure to choose the right response, due to my feeling sorry for her (which doesn’t actually help her at all), that is breaking down our communication.

Here is what I am trying today. I am trying to see if I can use the old “shut her in the bathroom technique” (negative response) to curb her yowling. As soon as she yowls, I pick her up and put her in the bathroom. I did a halfhearted attempt at trying this a while back, but it didn’t succeed (not surprisingly, because it was halfhearted) and I gave up. I am going to be more clinical about it this time, and try to keep my feelings in check. I am trying to teach her that I think “yowl” means “put me in the bathroom”. I am hoping that she will realize, through my consistent response, that yowling does not result in communicating her message of “give me attention” and so she will find another way to communicate with me.

Please DO NOT Wake Me Up Before You Go Go

The second prong in my approach, however, needs to be recognizing that she wants and needs more attention. (This is where the energy that I am using in feeling sorry for her needs to be directed.) She used to be an outdoor cat, so she was stimulated by her regular rounds of the neighbourhood, where she would rule the area with an iron paw, challenging all potential usurpers to a duel to the death. She is the smallest full-grown cat that I have ever seen, but that did not deter her from challenging all other living things on points of personal privilege (that privilege being her right to destroy all beings who dare enter her extensive domain). I used to have an arrangement where she was free to come and go as she pleased throughout the day. This made for a very happy kitty, and a very happy Shaney.

Over the past little while, however, I have had to limit her freedoms, one-by-one. I used to leave a window open at all times so she could come and go freely. I had to start closing the window at night because neighbourhood cats would come in and help themselves to her food while we were asleep. More recently, I closed the window whenever I left the house because sometimes the local cats would come in and it would result in a massive cat fight. Eventually, I just let her out for a couple of times during the day, but kept the window closed otherwise. Now, the window is permanently closed. She does not seem to have an interest in going outside anymore. (I tested this out yesterday by taking her outside and putting her in my garden. She immediately tried to jump back inside. I tried it again, with the same results. I think she knows that she is too vulnerable outside, so she is fine with being inside and protected.)

All this means that she once had a very active and stimulating life, and now she does not. So now I have to figure out how to compensate for this. However, she is far too old to want to play, she won’t walk on a leash, and she doesn’t really seem to have developed any other indoor hobbies that I can use to our mutual advantage. So, the only card I can play is “lavish attention”.

The goals are twofold:

  • keep her awake enough during the daytime so she doesn’t wake up so often at night
  • do NOT give her attention when she is yowling

So this is my current gameplan.

  • continue giving her medication for high blood pressure renal failure
  • give her a negative consequence for yowling (bathroom time out for up to 10 minutes), and not react to the yowling in any other way
  • give her as much attention during the daytime as possible

Another thing that I may try in the near future is a supplement called “Antinol” that is made from green lipped mussels. It is supposed to help with joint pain. I would prefer not to give Koi any kind of medicine if at all possible, so I am first going to extend the trial of the blood pressure renal failure medication and then decide what to do about the supplement.

Last night, I had my first full night’s sleep in months. This may be a fluke, so I am not willing to use my limited good fortune as proof that anything is working just yet. However, I thought that I was certainly doomed to a life of constant sleep deprivation, so even this brief respite is worth celebrating.

I will write another post once I see how my current gameplan plays out. Wish me luck!

Update: August 14, 2017

Here is an update on what I have tried and what the situation is now.

What I Tried
Koi is taking Antinol (green lipped mussel extract) for joint pain and Semintra for her kidney disease. There is a Feliway diffuser in my bedroom. I put a small, battery-powered sensor light in my room that lights up when she walks past it at night to help with disorientation. I try to keep my sleeping and waking patterns as regular as possible. If Koi starts to yowl, I try to address it (by giving her attention, and if necessary, restraining her) as soon as possible so that she doesn’t get into a spin cycle.

I haven’t put Koi in the bathroom after she yowls lately, but I think doing that had an immediate impact and made the yowls happen less often. If she starts doing it again too often, I may have to do it again for a day or two.

The Results
I have noticed a great improvement, although it is still not perfect. Koi used to shout ALL THE TIME, during the day and night. The yowling has been greatly reduced. She still does it, but it is not constant, so it is manageable. She usually still wakes up once or twice a night, but she will usually just walk around and won’t always yowl (proving, again, that the two issues of waking up and yowling are actually separate). Her walking has visibly improved. She sometimes even kind of runs, or walks quickly, which she really wasn’t able to do before. I think that the Antinol is having a good effect in that regard, and that the Semintra is doing a good job of making her feel better.

I have noticed that setbacks have often been caused by me not keeping to a rigid schedule. She really does not like being woken up at the wrong time to go to bed. Also, she doesn’t like sleeping in past a certain hour. If I can keep to a more regular schedule (which is really hard for me), it seems to keep her more calm.

The problem has not gone away completely, but it has gone from “intolerable” to “manageable”.

Update: June 17, 2018

I am still giving Koi Antinol (2 capsules per day now, one in the morning and one at night), and Semintra. I also have Feliway diffusers upstairs and downstairs in my house. I have started to use a syringe to inject water into her mouth every now and then so she gets a good amount of water into her. The yowling has improved dramatically since last year. She usually only yowls just before she urinates, which is now once a day, and a huge amount (of urine) at once.

I think the combination of medication, Feliway, extra liquids, and the extra attention that I try to give her as often as possible has caused the decrease in yowling. I am also considering giving her regular IV fluids, but I haven’t done that yet.

She is 19 (almost 20) years old, and she is clearly not going to be with me much longer. I am trying to make her as comfortable as possible in her twilight years. I am very, very glad that the yowling has dramatically decreased, but I feel like she is already living on borrowed time. I will probably have to write a long, cathartic post about pet euthanasia in the not-too-distant future.

Here is a page on the ASPCA website that offers some advice about “Older Cats with Behaviour Problems”.

How to Remove Badges from Sony Xperia Phone

I get nagged enough in real life: I don’t need my phone to add to the problem. I, therefore, turn off ALL notifications except for those that have to do with actual phone calls (which are rare) or SMS messages. Apps should go silently about their business, in my opinion. That especially includes email apps, which should be there for when I *want to* check, not ping and ding me every time someone sends me something.

I feel the same way about “badges”, the little numbers that appear beside app icons on your phone’s screens to tell you how many new notifications you have received, or how many are unread. I don’t need that kind of stress in my life, so I prefer to remove all badges.


While you can remove badges on a Samsung phone by disabling the “badgeprovider” app, there doesn’t seem to be an equivalent app on my Xperia XZ phone. From what I can tell (and feel free to correct me in the comments), the only way to solve this problem on an Xperia phone is to replace the default launcher with a third party app such as Nova or Apex. You can do this by going into the Play Store and searching for “Nova Launcher” or “Apex Launcher” and installing one or both of them. After you install the launcher of your choice, click on your “HOME” button (the one on the bottom of your phone, shaped like a house) and you should be asked which launcher you want to use in the future. Chose the one you installed. Note that this will undo any customizations that you have made to your screens, so you will have to sort them out again from the start. (Of course, you will only have to do this once and then the new app will remember your preferences.)

I am using Nova, and from what I can tell, badges are disabled by default. I lost all of the customizations that I had made in the default launcher, but as I prefer a very minimalist interface, this did not take very long.

Square Dancing and Racism

So, here’s the thing. I am about as white as it gets, with my Dutch and Scottish heritage in a Canadian package. Under normal conditions, I would not ever experience racism, so it might be hard for me to really understand what it means, and how it feels, to be judged based on the colour of my skin.

Fortunately for me, though, I have lived in Japan for around 20 years and this has put my lily white skin in the position of being judged. AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. Let me assure you that it would drive you nuts too. You would be vocal about it and want to change it. You would not make excuses for it or tell people that they are being over-sensitive.

Let me give you an example. It is an entirely harmless example, but it illustrates the point that even a little bit of judgement can be really annoying.

I have been square dancing since 2007 (so nine years now, for those of you who are reading this in the future). I have learned how to dance to the choreography in three different programmes (basic, mainstream, and plus), and I have danced in Japan, New Zealand, Australia, Germany, and as of this past week, Canada. I am not a perfect dancer, and I certainly do make mistakes, especially because I sometimes have trouble distinguishing my left from my right quickly enough, but under normal conditions, I don’t usually make “square-breaking mistakes” that completely mess everything up.

Some people do make square-breaking mistakes. Beginners will do it all the time because they are not used to hearing the calls and performing them fast enough to keep up with the music. People who have no rhythm, or who are not musically inclined will sometimes break squares. And older people who might have hearing problems, or who are just not fast enough to keep up can often break a square. This happens, and when it does, you just get into a certain formation (facing lines) and wait for the caller to call something that you can do from the formation. It’s no big deal.

Anyway, the point that I am making is that breaking a square is not that big a deal. It is fixable. However, when I dance in Japan, sometimes I get into a square that has some weak dancers. I hate it when this happens because the other people in the square will often make it clear that they think I was the one who broke the square. You can usually tell when someone thinks that you are a square breaker because they will handle you a bit more forcefully, by leading you with their hands to the correct positioning after every call, or by repeating the call loudly to you. Sometimes I do make mistakes, but as I said, I am not usually the reason that a whole square breaks down. However, if I am in a square that has broken down with dancers who do not know me, I will almost always be seen as the “culprit” and be “kindly” guided for the rest of the song even if I have danced perfectly the entire time.

THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY! Just because the square broke down and I am in it (one white person with seven Japanese people), it is assumed that it is my fault. There isn’t anything I can do to stop this from happening when it does. It is a natural prejudice that some people have and stopping the square to talk about sociological issues is not going to make me a more popular dancer. There isn’t anything I can do about it, other than tell people about it after the fact.

This is a small example, a small annoyance, and it does not affect my personal safety. However, it is a clear example of prejudice, and it illustrates to me exactly how it feels to be judged (and judged incorrectly) based on nothing other than the colour of my skin.

Because of this (and other examples that I am certainly willing to share if anyone is interested), I do have a small understanding of how people who are black/brown in Canada/US feel. If you have not ever felt that way, then you may not understand, and you may think that people who point out this particular kind of unfairness are over-reacting. Trust me, they are not over-reacting. It is annoying and unfair to be judged based on your physical appearance.

Prejudice and bias exist in all of us, and many of us are not aware of the fact that these themes infect our thinking. I do not consider myself to be racist, and I hope that my words and actions reflect that, but I admit to myself that I have prejudices and that I am susceptible to bias. I don’t want those to be my defining features, though, so I work hard to try to fight them. If you think you are a person entirely free of prejudice and bias, I would invite you to take the following test.


I would wager a large amount of money that the test revealed that you are biased.

When one person is biased against you, it can be annoying and frustrating. If that one person is someone who has power over other people, like a police officer, it can be dangerous. And if an entire system is biased against you, it will impact on every part of your life, on a regular basis, in ways that cannot even be imagined by the people who are not affected by the bias.

Have you ever been in this situation? Someone you have never met before starts treating you in a certain way that doesn’t match with how you see yourself. That person takes a look at you and makes decisions about you, and starts treating you according to what they believe about you. They might be treating you like you are stupid, or like you are older or younger, or richer or poorer, than you are. It can even happen when someone asks you for directions when you are in a place that is unfamiliar, or someone thinks you work at a store that you are shopping in. Or when you are in a foreign country and someone speaks to you in a different language, assuming that you can speak it fluently. You can tell when you are not being treated right (according to what you know about yourself) and it is weird and uncomfortable.

That is a brief taste of what it feels like to be a person in a minority. Imagine if that happened ALL THE TIME. Imagine what it would feel life if people ALWAYS assumed that you were aggressive. Or that you were poor. Or that you were up to no good. Or even that you can or cannot dance. It would certainly start to become annoying after the first few times.

What I am trying to say, in my rambling way, is that you should not dismiss racism, prejudice, or bias as not real, or not relevant, or not important. People who face it on a daily basis are not making it up. Just because you don’t get it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It does. You just don’t know what you don’t know.

My Understanding of the Black Lives Matter Movement

One of my Facebook friends asked some questions about the Black Lives Matter movement. Here are my answers.

Is Black Lives Matter (BLM) any different from the KKK or Neo Nazi groups — racist hate groups?

BLM is not a hate group, nor is it racist. It is a group that is trying to get people to understand how systemic prejudice affects the lives of black people. They are not trying to pit black against white. It is possible to understand what they are saying and not feel like they trying to put white people down. They are commenting about the system, not about individuals.

Why are the police being targeted?

Police are part of the system. There are many parts of the system that favour the majority. If you are not part of that majority, your experience of the system is very different.

There is an inherent problem with the system: in our current society, everyone is inherently prejudiced against black people, including black people. Even if you think that you are not prejudiced, or rather, especially if you think you are not prejudiced, you are. This means that police officers tend to perceive more of a threat from black people, which means that the fear that they feel makes them more likely to act more aggressively to a black person, even if that person is not acting in a way that would be perceived as threatening if he/she was white.

The main issue is, therefore, that there is a lower threshold for police to show aggressive behaviour towards black people, but there is a secondary issue of police using too much force in general. The way our societies are set up is that the government makes the laws, the police enforce the laws, and the judicial system decides whether laws have been broken or not and issue the consequences if the laws have been broken. The police are invested with the power to apprehend people who are perceived to be not following laws, but they do not have the right to mete out judgement on those people, nor are they given the right to summarily execute them. There are many examples of police officers killing people these days. With a heavily armed populace, this may be inevitable, but it still seems problematic to have so many deaths at the hands of the police.

I am not saying that I sympathize with the Dallas shooter, nor am I saying that the job of a police officer isn’t one of the hardest jobs to have. (It is possible to have this conversation without being anti-police.) What I am saying is that the system is currently set up in a way that police officers are authorized to use lethal force, and that that lethal force is sometimes applied too liberally in cases where it wasn’t necessarily warranted, especially when the person being apprehended is black.

The final piece of the puzzle is that the police system and the judicial system are predominantly set up to favour the majority, so if a black person (or the family of a black person) wants to question the actions of a police officer, or take a case to the courts, they feel that their chances of receiving a fair judgement are very low.

Taken as a whole, this makes black people feel like the system is set up in a way that ends up with black people killed in cases where white people would not be killed, and that they have no recourse to say that this is unfair. That is what is meant by “black lives matter”. It is not saying that black lives are more important than white lives. It is not saying that the police are bad, or that they are they enemy. It is saying that the system needs to be examined and changes need to be made so that black people do not have to live in fear of being killed by police officers, and so they do not have to live with the understanding that if their loved ones do get killed, there is no process for them to question it.

Yes, there are many cases where both white people and black people are interacting with law enforcement officers in a way that would be expected to get them subdued aggressively. We are not talking about those cases. We are not talking about cases where the person is acting aggressively towards the police, and the police officers have no other choice but to act aggressively back. We are talking about cases where the person is not a threat, or is no longer a threat, and they still end up getting shot. Why is that happening? That is the question at the crux of this matter. All other matters should not be confounded with this one. Yes, there are more black people in prison than should statistically be the case. Yes, there is a lot of black on black violence. Yes, white people also get shot by the police. These are all problematic, but they cannot be used to explain why black people who are objectively — based on undoctored video evidence — not acting in a threatening way are getting shot by police.

One reason we can’t all agree on this issue and try to find answer is that we can’t come to an agreement on whether the black people in the video are acting in a threatening way. When you watch the videos of the two black men who were killed by police recently, do you feel that their deaths were justified? Do you feel like the police had no choice but to kill them? Do you think the police were acting within their rights to kill these men? If you feel that the police were justified in killing these two men, then we need to dial the conversation back to the role of police in society and the rights and responsibilities given to them in our society, without even talking about the race of the people they are interacting with.

Why is there so much hate in the world?

In my opinion, hate comes from misunderstanding and ignorance. And we are all guilty of both. We don’t listen to each other. We stand on our pedestals and shout things to each other, but we don’t engage in healthy debate and really listen to what we are trying to say to each other.

If we can’t wrestle with the hate that we perpetuate ourselves by shutting down and not listening, then we can’t be surprised to see it reflected back to us in our society.